Table of Content
Introduction
Christmas is almost here, and that means gathering around the dinner table, enjoying a hearty meal, and sharing laughs with loved ones. Christmas cracker jokes are a classic part of the holiday tradition, known for their light-hearted humor and silly puns. Whether they're cheesy, corny, or just plain groan-worthy, these christmas cracker jokes for adults and kids alike will lighten the mood for everyone at the table.
Crack open a Christmas cracker, don your paper crown, and get ready to laugh (or cringe) with the funniest festive jokes. Here’s a list to share this season - don’t forget to pass them around and spread the laughter at your next holiday gathering!
The Ultimate List of Funny Christmas Cracker Jokes
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What do you call a pile of cats?
A meow-ntain. -
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work. -
What would bears be without bees?
Ears. -
How do you make an egg-roll?
You push it! -
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snowbank. -
What do you call an angry carrot?
A steamed veggie. -
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable. -
Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time?
Home Alone. -
What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner?
They put on a super spread. -
Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute?
He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have. -
Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call?
Because there was no Zoom at the inn. -
Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto?
Because eventually, it’s behind you. -
Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown?
Because the “Arrrr!” rate had risen. -
Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?
They have herd immunity. -
Why didn’t Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem?
All Virgin flights were canceled. -
Did you hear that production was down at Santa’s workshop?
Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate! -
What is Dominic Cummings’ favorite Christmas song?
Driving Home for Christmas. -
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
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What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow. -
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia! -
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrots? -
What says ‘Oh-Oh-Oh’?
Santa walking backward! -
What do you call someone who’s scared of Santa?
Claustrophobic! -
What did the snowflake say to the fallen leaf?
You are so last season! -
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered! -
How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger! -
Why don’t you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
Because he has private elf care! -
What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker! -
What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
The One Show! -
Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer! -
What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we’ll go places! -
Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?
Noël Coward! -
What’s green, covered in tinsel, and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad! -
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer! -
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells! -
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis! -
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper! -
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards! -
What carol is heard in the desert?
O Camel Ye Faithful!
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What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm! -
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy! -
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that’s deep pan, crisp and even! -
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle! -
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps! -
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite! -
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks! -
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught! -
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles! -
What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf! -
What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet! -
Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley! -
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws! -
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it! -
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker! -
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson! -
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days! -
Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low “elf” esteem! -
What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?
Auld Fang Syne! -
What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow! -
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover up their butt quack.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snow women?
Snowballs.
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What do you call Santa when he becomes a detective?
Santa Clues! -
How does a Christmas tree keep its breath fresh?
Orna-mints! -
Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him! -
How many letters are there in the Christmas alphabet?
25—there’s no L! -
What do you call an old snowman?
A puddle! -
Why is a broken drum an excellent Christmas present?
You can’t beat it! -
What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we’ll go places! -
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Ice Krispies! -
Who says "Oh, oh, oh"?
Santa walking backwards! -
What do elves learn in school?
The elf-abet! -
Doctor, doctor! I’ve gone all crumbly, like a cheese biscuit...
You’re crackers! -
What reindeer has the worst manners?
Rude-olph! -
Doctor, doctor! I’m scared of Father Christmas!
You’re suffering from Claus-trophobia! -
Why doesn’t Santa eat junk food?
Because it’s bad for your elf! -
Where does Santa go when he’s sick?
To the elf centre! -
Why didn’t Rudolph go to school?
He was elf-taught! -
What do you call Rudolph with tinsel in his ears?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you! -
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even! -
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy! -
What does Santa spend his wages on?
Jingle bills! -
How long are an elf’s legs?
Just long enough to reach the ground! -
What do you call a cat who works for Santa?
Santa Claws! -
Which one of Santa’s reindeer has the best moves?
Dancer! -
What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a duck?
A Christmas quacker! -
Did you hear about the cheesy comedian?
He had some crackers! -
Which Christmas carol do dogs like best?
Bark the Herald Angels Sing! -
Why did nobody bid for Donner and Blitzen on eBay?
They were two deer! -
Why did the desert animals get no Christmas presents last year?
Because the lion had sandy claws! -
What does Elsa put in Olaf’s stocking for Christmas?
A lump of Cold! -
Why wouldn’t Ebenezer Scrooge eat at the pasta restaurant?
It cost a pretty penne! -
How does a Penguin build a LEGO house?
Igloos it together! -
What kind of androids do you find in the Arctic?
Snobots! -
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Mary and Abbie! Mary and Abbie who?
Mary Christmas and a Abby New Year! -
What should you never eat on New Year’s Eve?
Fire Crackers! -
How do you turn a Christmas tree into a reindeer?
You decorate it with HORNaments! -
Why didn’t the Christmas tree perform well on its algebra test?
It got stumped by all the questions! -
How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
Merry Christmas to ewe! -
Who brings teeth gifts for Christmas?
Santa Floss! -
What’s a parent’s favourite Christmas carol?
Silent Night! -
What do you sing at Santa’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow! -
What did the big cracker say to the small cracker during the Christmas Eve dinner?
My pop is bigger than yours! -
What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itis! -
What do ducks do before Christmas dinner?
Pull their Christmas quackers! -
What did the turkey say to the hunter on Christmas?
Quack, quack! -
How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas turkey?
On the dark side! -
What do you get if you cross a turkey and a centipede?
Drumsticks for everyone at Christmas! -
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting! -
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks! -
When is a turkey dinner bad for your health?
When you’re the turkey! -
What was the snowman doing in the vegetable patch?
Picking his nose! -
I gave my parrot a cracker the other day.
Not sure it suited the paper hat though! -
Where do penguins keep their savings?
In a snow bank! -
What did the pineapple say to the salad?
Lettuce be friends! -
What do cats call an aquarium?
A sushi bar! -
What’s a pirate’s favourite type of YouTube video?
ASM-aaaaaarrr! -
What’s a goalkeeper’s favourite snack?
Beans on post! -
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a computer?
Lots of memories! -
What do you do if you're scared of lifts?
Take steps to avoid them! -
What do you call a vicar on a moped?
Rev!
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Conclusion
Christmas cracker jokes are the perfect way to bring laughter and joy to your holiday gatherings. Sharing these jokes will entertain your family and friends and keep the festive spirit alive. So, next time you pull a cracker, be prepared to spread the cheer and create unforgettable holiday moments!
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the most common gift in a Christmas cracker?
Christmas crackers traditionally contain a tissue crown (paper party hat), a motto (joke, riddle, or trivia question), and a small gift item. The gift contents are usually fairly inexpensive and range from plastic toys and noisemakers to magic tricks and edible treats.
Are there Christmas cracker jokes for adults?
Yes, while many Christmas jokes for crackers are kid-friendly, there are also plenty with a clever twist perfect for grown-up humor.
What is the Christmas cracker rule?
Dinner party guests pull a cracker. Crackers are traditionally pulled during Christmas dinner or at Christmas parties. One version of the cracker ritual holds that the person who ends up with the larger end of the cracker earns the right to keep the contents of the cardboard tube.
Can I make my own Christmas cracker jokes?
Absolutely! Writing your own jokes is a fun way to personalize your holiday crackers. Try crafting puns or funny one-liners that suit your friends and family.
Teresa Finn
As someone with a deep passion for clan heritage, especially the intriguing world of tartans and their rich traditions, I'm here to be your companion on this exciting journey. Together, we'll delve into the depths of clan history, uncovering the stories behind these vibrant tartans and making every connection to your heritage more meaningful.
